Finding Balance

This is going to be a short one, because, guess what? I've got way too damn much going on.

In fact, I feel like I'm doing everything in life half-assed lately. I'm pretty sure I know what needs to go, but I'm having trouble actually pulling the trigger. In pursuit of trying to do it all (mother, wife, employee, student, volunteer, friend, daughter, blogger, etc), I'm finding that I'm actually doing nothing well.  Like most mothers, I'm really struggling with how to find balance.

So I'll leave you with this thought from a career blogger that I follow: "To make real progress, you have to get rid of busy and replace it with focus."


I will be giving that some serious thought.

Interim Break: Let's just call it a "half success"

Proof that I did accomplish something over interim break

Gah. I can't believe interim break is over in just a few short days. I had such a lovely six week break from reading scholarly articles and writing research papers. Alas, I have already started receiving assignments from my professors for next week.

So although I technically have a few days remaining, I'm going to throw in the towel and report on my interim break goals...

1. Read three "fun" books (i.e. books that aren't assigned for grad school) — SUCCESS! I read five books actually... The Hunger Games (Suzanne Collins), Catching Fire (Suzanne Collins), Mockingjay (Suzanne Collins), The Night Circus (Erin Morgenstern) and Enrique's Journey (Sonia Nazario). All were fabulous (and read on my new Kindle!). I read the Hunger Games trilogy in literally five days. What can I say? I love young adult fiction. The Night Circus was both spooky and whimsical. I found it similar to work by Audrey Niffengger, who I love. And Enrique's Journey was an incredibly powerful portrayal of Central American boy's quest to find his mother, who came to the United States to try and provide a better life for him. It's also the Go Big Read book selection for 2012.
2. Organize the hall closet, coat closet and laundry room closet — Half success. The hall closet is done (see photo above). And the coat closet is better. But the laundry room closet is still a disaster.
3. Organize the basement and garage — FAIL. Ben did clean up the garage somewhat, but we need some shelves to really organize things. And we didn't even touch the basement. Oh well. Perhaps we'll try again over spring break.
4. Paint Will's bed side table and book shelves — FAIL. But this isn't entirely my fault. The shelves are still on back order at IKEA. And I don't see the point of painting the bedside table now if I just have to get out all the supplies to paint the book shelves later.
5. Plan out Will's activity schedule for the winter/spring — SUCCESS! Will and I go to story time on Tuesdays and music class on Thursdays. For bonus points, I also called about some two year old preschool options for the fall.
6. Finish Will's 7-12 month baby book — Half success. I think I literally worked on one page. Sigh. But this is one thing I really, really want to finish before Monday. So hopefully I'll have this checked off by the end of the weekend.
7. Start Will's 12-18 month baby book — FAIL. Didn't even start a new project in Shutterfly.
8. Blog at least 3 times a week — SUCCESS! I did pretty darn good over break, don't you think?
9. Start working out at least 3 times a week — FAIL. We did join a gym, but I've only been there twice in the last month. I have been going to yoga and pilates occasionally, but not nearly enough to make my weekly goal.

2011 In Review

I totally love blog memes. They are so damn fun (to read and to write). As a writer, they are particularly effective when you're trying to meet your thrice weekly blog posting goal.

So here's my 2011 in review, copied from Baby Mama Drama (who I don't know, but read all the time because we have a mutual friend). Is that creepy? Maybe. Anyway, enjoy!

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before? I saw a psychiatrist! That was pretty major. I started taking graduate classes full-time. And I went back to work part-time (which is new because I've never "worked" while being a mom). 

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I think I kept my 2011 resolutions for the most part. I definitely worry less, and I'm a multi-tasking rock star. And yes, I made some new ones for this year. I'm also really excited to try these style resolutions from one of my fav blogs.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Many dear friends had babies this year! Welcome to the world Caleb John, Collyns Maureen, Winnie Grace and Annika Piper!

4. Did anyone close to you die? My grandfather passed away in November, just days after my mom had a serious car accident. November pretty much sucked.

5. What countries did you visit? No international travel for us this year. I dreamed of Costa Rica and Spain though.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? More hours in the day?

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Will's first birthday (8/8/11) certainly comes to mind. And although I probably won't remember the specific date (6/30/11), I will always remember 2011 as the year we bought our new house.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? My biggest achievement was juggling motherhood, work and school. It's not easy. I'm hyper-organized and over-tired, but I'm getting it all done. Multi-tasking at it's finest!

9. What was your biggest failure? I don't think I made enough time for the hubs this year. I'm going to work on that in 2012.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I finally sought treatment for my postpartum depression.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Our new house! It's just so nice and new and maintenance-free.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Ben's. He continues to be an enduring source of unconditional love and support. And he's a damn good dad.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My own. The depths of my depression literally shocked me. Luckily it was an ill-timed outburst that finally motivated me to get the help I needed. But seeking help is also a source of celebration, so it has a happy ending.

14. Where did most of your money go? Our new house... although there's not much to fix up, we put a considerable chunk (20%) down.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Selling our old house was awesome. It happened so quickly (only a month on the market), we couldn't believe it! Buying our new house was pretty sweet too. We're so happy here.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2011? Ha, probably the CD by Will's music teacher, Miss Patricia. We listen to it all the time in the car. She's like the toddler-whisperer.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you... 

a) happier or sadder? Definitely happier, thanks in large part to my medication.

b) thinner or fatter? Definitely fatter, but I needed to put on some pounds after I lost a ton of weight during my depression. 

c) richer or poorer? Definitely richer. I'm back at work, and we don't have nearly the maintenance or upkeep costs that we had at our old house.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? I wish I would have taken more one-on-one time with Ben (see number 9 above).

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? I wish I would have watched less TV. We're really good at keeping the TV off while Will's awake, but there's no reason to be up until 11:00 PM watching stuff on Netflix.

20. How did you spend Christmas? We spent our first Christmas in our new house! We made pancakes and hot chocolate on Christmas morning, and opened presents with Will. It was the perfect Christmas morning.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011? I swear, I fall more and more in love with Will every day. He's so amazing.

22. What was your favorite TV program? Sons of Anarchy. Hands down.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Hate is a waste of time. Plenty of people and things irritate me though.

24. What was the best book you read? I didn't have much time for "fun" reading outside of grad school, but I was able to read The Hunger Games trilogy over Christmas break. So. Good.

25. What did you want and get? My new job!

26. What did you want and not get? An iPhone. Ben says hell no.

27. What was your favorite film of this year? I saw exactly one movie this year: The Help. So I guess I'll go with that. It was good, but I liked the book better.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 28 in 2011. I can't for the life of me remember what we did. Probably went out to dinner somewhere. That's the standard Zinth family birthday celebration.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? More coffee. I can never get enough coffee.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011? Sadly, I don't think I had one (see resolutions for 2012). If anything, it was probably "mom chic" (lots of cotton tops, skinny jeans and slip-on shoes).

31. What kept you sane? My Zoloft! Sad, but true.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I have a serious obsession with Ed Westwick (Chuck on Gossip Girl) and Charlie Hunnam (Jax on Sons of Anarchy).

33. What political issue stirred you the most? The whole Scott Walker collective bargaining debacle. You probably need to be from Wisconsin to know what I'm talking about, but he sucks. Luckily we're on our way to a recall!

34. Who did you miss? I found myself missing all my stay-at-home mom friends when I returned to work in September. They're such an awesome group of women, and I adore their kiddos.

35. Who was the best new person you met? So many great new colleagues and classmates.

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011. Be flexible. Life with a child makes you loosen up and let go of your expectations.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. 

'Cause baby you're a firework,

Come on, show 'em what you're worth,

Make 'em go, ah ah ah,

As you shoot across the sky, sky, sky.

Baby, you're a firework,

Come on, let your colors burst,

Make 'em go, ah ah ah,

You're gonna leave 'em falling down.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho

Back in September I returned to work 15 hours/week after being a stay-at-home mom for 13 months. In many ways I was ready (I missed the adult interaction, professional responsibilities, etc), but I mostly did it because we needed the money. We were making it month to month on one income, but we weren't saving enough to do the things we wanted to do for ourselves and Will. Vacations, a basement playroom and Montessori preschool cost money, people.

So back to work I went. And surprisingly, I loved it. Way more than I thought I would. I forgot how much I missed my professional self. And while I also missed Will, it was great to get a break.

Being a stay-at-home mom is hard work. Damn hard. So going to the office actually felt like a mini-vacation. Enough time to energize my brain and recharge my batteries. And while I found myself missing play dates and child development classes with all our friends, I also found that I was a much more present parent when I was with Will. It's as if being apart made me make the most of our time together, since it was no longer unlimited.

It seemed to be a nice balance, and I was a rock star at my job. So much so that they offered me a 30 hour/week contract position within the department. I wasn't sure that I wanted to work that much when Will is this young, but it's a great opportunity. It's a two-year project appointment, throughout which I will be planning a new master's degree program for the university. The best part is that they gave me a flexible schedule, which means I can work from home two afternoons a week. So I work three days a week on-campus, and two days a week at home during Will's naptime. Perfection.

However, on top of this new job and being a mom, I'm still trying to finish my master's degree. I have three semesters and 13 credits remaining before I graduate this December (woot!). Just 11 months to go... wish me luck!

Interim Break

Oh, how I love interim break. No classes. No homework. No group projects. I don't even know what to do with all my free time.

However, I could use some direction, so here's my goal list...

1. Read three "fun" books (i.e. books that aren't assigned for grad school)
2. Organize the hall closet, coat closet and laundry room closet
3. Organize the basement and garage
4. Paint Will's bed side table and book shelves
5. Plan out Will's activity schedule for the winter/spring
6. Finish Will's 7-12 month baby book
7. Start Will's 12-18 month baby book
8. Blog at least 3 times a week
9. Start working out at least 3 times a week

Help me stay accountable, people! Interim break ends on January 30.

Blog Challenge Day 21: Stress

 

Today on the blog challenge we're talking stress. The biggest stresser in my life right now is easily graduate school. Even though it's self-inflicted stress (hello, I'm choosing to do it!), that doesn't make it any less difficult.

This is my second year in my master's program, but my first year as a full-time student. Juggling classes, work, child care and my relationship isn't easy. Fortunately, Ben is a super supportive partner. He picks up the slack wherever he can... making dinner, doing laundry, taking care of Will. I really couldn't do it without him.

However, the end is in sight! I'm currently on track to graduate in December 2012, so I only have three semesters to go. I could go at a slower pace and alleviate some of my stress, but I really want to graduate before Ben and I have another baby. I just don't think I'll be able to finish my degree with two little ones at home. So I push onward. And dream about what I'll do with all that free time when I'm done!

Blog Challenge Day 12: Goals for the Next Year

 

I took a break from the blog challenge yesterday to write sweet baby Will's 13 month letter. But I'm back today talking about my goals for the next year.

The biggest goal I have right now is to finish my master's degree. I'm currently on track to graduate in December 2012, which is so exciting. I'm only about half way done, but the end is in sight!

Other goals I have for myself...

• Join the sustainability committee in our new town. They have really ambitious goals for promoting more sustainable living in our community. I'd love to be a part of their efforts. Plus, I love local government. I used to watch city council meetings on cable access for fun (I'm a nerd, I know).
• Run a half marathon. I was training for a half marathon this summer, but between graduate school and chasing after Will, I wasn't able to get in the training time needed. It's still a goal of mine, but it might have to wait until I have a little less on my plate.
• Keep a cleaner house. Don't get me wrong, it's not like our place is an episode of "Hoarders" or anything, but I could stand to keep things a little cleaner (especially with a toddler running around). My goal is to keep up with the clutter and do more frequent maintenance cleaning (vacuuming, washing floors, dusting, etc). I have some incentive since my MIL will be at our house once a week now taking care of Will. She would never judge me for keeping things a little unkept, but I still want the house looking good when she's here.  :)

Blog Challenge Days 1-4: Me, My Blog, My Job, My Family

 

The fall semester starts on Wednesday, and we all know how hard it is for me to blog frequently when school is in session. To help keep me motivated, I'm linking up with Katie over at Katie's Journey for her 30 day blog challenge! I'm a few days behind (the challenge started September 1), so I'm going to get caught up today!

Day 1: Introduce Yourself

Mother's Day (2011)

I'm Sam. I'm 28 years-old. I'm originally from Minnesota, but I now live in Wisconsin with my husband Ben, our one year-old son Will and our crazy Great Dane Stella.

For the past year I've been a stay-at-home mom to Will, which has been rewarding, exhausting, fun and frustrating. I'm actually going back to work part-time next week (more on that later), which I have mixed feelings about. Part of me is really ready to back in a professional environment, but another part of me can't imagine not being with my baby every day. I'm hoping working part-time will provide a nice balance for our family, but it will certainly be an adjustment.

What else? We moved into a new house two months ago, and we're loving our new space. We're a very active family, spending lots of time walking, biking and hiking. I love to eat, so going out to a nice restaurant or trying a new recipe is a total thrill. Most of my spare time is consumed by graduate school (I go part-time in the evenings), but when I'm not studying I like to run, read fiction and blog.

Day 2: Your Blog

What's the meaning behind your blog name?

My blog is titled "Baby Steps" because it's mostly about my child, but it's also a nod to the journey I've taken as a parent. The tagline I use to describe my blog is "You can have it all, just not all at once." I think this statement is so important. I fully expect to have my relationship, family, career, social life, hobbies, etc, but perhaps not to the fullest degree possible all at once. In life you have to make priorities. 

How long have you been blogging? What made you start blogging?

I've been blogging since 2009 when my husband and I first got pregnant with Will. With our friends and family scattered all over the country, I started the blog to keep our loved ones updated on our life. The unintended awesomeness is that people I don't even know read it an enjoy what I have to say. Cool!

What are your favorite things to blog about?

My child. He's so incredibly awesome. One of my favorite posts to write are my monthly letters to Will. I use the blog as his online baby book, so it's where I look back to remember what he did and when.

What is one tip you'd give a new blogger?

Find your own voice. I see many people mimic bloggers they enjoy reading, which is flattering, but completely unauthentic. I adore Jen over at Maybe if You Just Relax. She's real and witty and brash. I truly love reading her stuff, but her style wouldn't work on my blog. It's just not who I am. But it's awesome coming from her.

Day 3: Your Job

I've been a stay-at-home mom to my darling Will for the past year, but I'm going back to work part-time next week. I think I'm (mostly) ready, but I'm really, really, really going to miss being with my sweet baby every day.

My new job will be as a graduate assistant at the university where I'm getting my master's degree. I will be working 15 hours a week in my program department, focusing mostly on marketing and assessment of our program.

In my pre-baby life, I worked in nonprofit marketing and communications. I designed and wrote publications, web sites, advertisements, press releases, you name it. I also got to help throw a bunch of fun parties for donors, and plan huge fundraising events. It was a cool job with a lot of cool perks!

Day 4: Your Family

Family wedding (2011)

My family is my everything. Ben is a wonderfully supportive partner and an amazing dad. He is very family-focused and always puts Will and I first. 

Will is our whole world. Everything we do is for him and we wouldn't have it any other way.

My family all lives in Minnesota. I have one sister (younger) who has always been cooler than me. She is fashionable, funny and smart. I've always envied her strong sense of self and unwavering confidence. She's an incredible aunt to Will. I can't wait to hear about all their adventures together when Will gets a little bit older.

My parents are both divorced and remarried. It's been that way for practically my entire life, so it's not really a big deal. My parents have always been very encouraging and accepting of the relationships we have with our step-parents. In fact, my dad and my step-dad both walked me down the aisle when Ben and I got married in 2006.

I'm super close with my mom. Although she lives three hours away, we make a point to see each other every other week. She's the strongest, most hard-working, amazing woman I've ever met. Not to mention my number one fan. I love you, Mom!

Until just a few months ago, we lived within a mile from my in-laws. I used to joke that my life is "Everybody Loves Raymond", but I absolutely adore them. Even now, after our move, we only live 20 minutes away. They are incredibly loving and supportive parents and grandparents. Ben's mom will be watching Will when I go back to work next week. I'm so thankful to have them in our life!

Ben's brother and sister-in-law also live close-by. We used to spend more time together pre-baby, but we still get together for Sunday dinners and family vacations. They are such a wonderful aunt and uncle to Will. Uncle Andy has been having so much fun playing with Will as he gets more mobile, and Aunt Mandy gave Will his favorite book, which we read every day about a thousand times.

Whew! That should get me caught up. Looking forward to linking up with Katie and the gang throughout the month of September!

Oh, Hi There!

Sorry for my absence in the past week. I've been a little busy what with wrapping up my graduate class and buying a house. Not to mention the freelance assignments I just picked up. Because why would I ever want to just relax?

On the housing front, our home inspection went great. Slightly elevated levels of radon, which the seller will have to fix before closing. But the house is solid. And oh so cute. I can't wait to move in!

Too bad moving requires packing. I'm majorly dragging my feet on the packing front. But I only have four weeks to box up five years, three bedroom and two bathroom worth of stuff. So it's probably time to get started.

Any packing tips or moving tricks? We need all the help we can get.

To work or not to work?

That is the question.

I've been offered a part-time graduate assistantship for the 2011-2012 academic year. The job would be a good fit for me... 15 hours per week, competitive pay, and in my program department with professors I know and respect.

The position would require me to be away from Will 2-3 days a week, which I know doesn't sound major, but feels incredibly monumental since I'm only away from him about 4 hours a week now.

Will will be 13 months when the position begins, which is plenty old to start spending a few days a week away from Mama. It's not that I'm worried about him being with someone else. My mother-in-law would take him one day a week (maybe more). The other days he would be at the university child care center, which is a very nice facility.

But I'm having trouble reconciling my desire to gain experience in my chosen field with my desire to be home with my child. I just don't know what the right thing to do is.

Ah, mom guilt.

These moments

It's late. Close to midnight. I've just finished my homework and I hear you starting to fuss from your room. It's more than "going back to sleep" fussing, so I listen for a moment then creep in to give you your pacifier. It doesn't help though and you start to cry.

This is rare for you these days, so I know something is wrong. Your gums hurt or you're scared. Or maybe you just want Mama. Whatever the case, I pick you up in my arms and sit with you in the rocking chair. You quiet instantly, and snuggle your little face into my chest.

We sit there rocking together. I'm singing softly and you're looking up at me. I feel like my heart is literally going to explode from loving you so much. Slowly you start to nod off. I kiss your sweet little hands and cheeks, gently pick you up and lay you peacefully back in your crib.

These are the moments that I am forever thankful for. And the ones that I will hold on to for the rest of my life.

I apologize in advance

I've been a super good blogger this month (go me). But I'm sorry to say that it's a trend that won't be continuing into April.

You see, April is poised to be crazy busy. Insanely busy even. I have two papers and one paper re-write due for my graduate program, an exciting new freelance gig, and we're putting our house on the market. On top of you know, raising the baby, that won't leave much spare time for blogging.

So I apologize now for the impending online absence. Expect a lot of photos in lieu of actual blogging. But my child is attractive, so that should work out well for everyone.

Me Time

One of the best things I've done for myself lately is to ask my mother-in-law to take Will on Thursday afternoons. It's such a lovely break.

Sometimes I do homework or clean. Other days I go shopping or grab lunch. Today I'm getting my hair cut, and enjoying a few quiet hours of down time.

But wouldn't you know it... I miss him terribly already. I wonder what he's doing, if he's fussy, and whether he misses me. I know it's good for him (and me) to spend some time apart, but I'm already counting down the minutes until 4:00.

Parenthood is so fickle.

What we've been up to

Remember when I had time to blog? Oh yeah, that was back when I got 8 hours of sleep a night and had a social life.

Will has been a busy boy lately. We've been traveling a ton. In the past three weeks we've been to southern Wisconsin and upper Michigan for weddings. And this Saturday we're spending the day in Door County.

Tuckered out from all that activity.

At my dear friend's wedding outside of Dodgeville, Will got to meet his future BFF Milo (when your moms are BFFs and you're born within three months of one another, it pretty much guarantees you too will be BFFs).


Lil' buddies, rocking their stripes.















Then uncle Andy and aunt Mandy got married in Rapid River, Michigan. Will was one of 17 guests present, so he felt pretty special to be involved. He had a fly little outfit just for the occassion.


Voted second best dressed (after the bride).















Fair warning: blogging probably won't become more regular until a) Will miraculously starts sleeping through the night or b) winter break. Stay-at-home parenting and graduate school are keeping me pretty busy, and I still need to make time for running (my first post-baby 5K is in 6 weeks), mindless TV watching, and eating. Priorities people, priorities.

Bump Watch

I've gone from round to out. I feel so huge lately.

Nine months pregnant is hard. A lovely combination of large, tired and irritable. As I was telling a friend today, I've pretty much reached my limit by 8:00 or 9:00 every night. I can't stand to be in my own skin after that.

I am officially done with work on August 12. Though I still maintain 08/09/10 would be the coolest birthday ever, it will be really nice to have a few weeks before the due date to clean and rest before baby arrives.

Everyone at work keeps asking whether or not I'll miss working full-time. Truthfully, I won't. I'll miss the little luxuries that two incomes provide, but I'm really excited to stay at home with baby and start graduate school. I feel very fortunate that Ben and I are in a position to live on his income alone. Not every family has that choice.

Our remaining bump watch posts are limited... only one or two remain. Any guesses on the baby's arrival?

Back to school

It's official... I am enrolled in the Masters in Educational Leadership program at UW-Oshkosh! I'm so pumped. I can't wait to get started.

The only caveat... the semester begins two weeks after my due date. Eeesh. That's cutting it a little close. But if I don't start this fall, I can't start until next summer since the introductory course is only offered every other semester.

Luckily the program advisor was really understanding. And since she teaches the intro course, she assured me that she'd be flexible with my attendance for the first few weeks. The course only meets one night a week for three hours. Hopefully I'll be up for it, but if not, I have her support to take it slow.

What it's all about

It's no secret that I'm a planner.

I pretty much have a five year life plan rolling around in my head at all times. I know how long I want to stay in our house (another 4 years max), when we should buy a new car (next month), and where our first post-baby vacation will be (Spain).

These aren't rigid plans by any means. I'm open to things evolving and changing. But I like having an idea of what's coming next.

Part of the plan in recent years has been for me to go back to school. UW Oshkosh has the master's program I'm looking for (Student Affairs in Higher Education), but I never really considered attending. I wanted to go to a larger school. I wanted to enroll in a more competitive program. I wanted to live in a new city.

Seeing a pattern here? The decision was all about me.

Ben was promoted at work recently. He went from a job that was fine and paid the bills, to a job with more responsibility that he really enjoys. It's challenging. It's interesting. Its given him a whole new perspective about his professional career.

Its been great to watch his attitude about work shift. He's taking pride in what he does. His days are long, but they're also more fulfilling. He really loves it. And then it hit me. It's not all about me anymore.

We've been married for three years. You'd think this realization would have come to me sooner. But truthfully, it didn't. I was still thinking primarily about what I wanted, not what was best for us.

It's not as if I was making these life decisions without Ben. He was open to and excited about a move. He was ready for a new adventure. He was incredibly supportive of my goals. But that's Ben. It would never occur to him not to put me first, even though he's happy and thriving right where we're at. He's an incredibly kind, wonderful, generous partner.

Somewhere between Ben's promotion and expecting a baby, I realized that uprooting our family was incredibly selfish. Especially when I can get the education I want right here. For now, I see that staying put is what's best for both of us.

After all, we have an incredible support network of family and friends. A home to call our own. And a life full of love and laughter.

That's what it's all about.