2011 In Review

I totally love blog memes. They are so damn fun (to read and to write). As a writer, they are particularly effective when you're trying to meet your thrice weekly blog posting goal.

So here's my 2011 in review, copied from Baby Mama Drama (who I don't know, but read all the time because we have a mutual friend). Is that creepy? Maybe. Anyway, enjoy!

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before? I saw a psychiatrist! That was pretty major. I started taking graduate classes full-time. And I went back to work part-time (which is new because I've never "worked" while being a mom). 

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I think I kept my 2011 resolutions for the most part. I definitely worry less, and I'm a multi-tasking rock star. And yes, I made some new ones for this year. I'm also really excited to try these style resolutions from one of my fav blogs.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Many dear friends had babies this year! Welcome to the world Caleb John, Collyns Maureen, Winnie Grace and Annika Piper!

4. Did anyone close to you die? My grandfather passed away in November, just days after my mom had a serious car accident. November pretty much sucked.

5. What countries did you visit? No international travel for us this year. I dreamed of Costa Rica and Spain though.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? More hours in the day?

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Will's first birthday (8/8/11) certainly comes to mind. And although I probably won't remember the specific date (6/30/11), I will always remember 2011 as the year we bought our new house.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? My biggest achievement was juggling motherhood, work and school. It's not easy. I'm hyper-organized and over-tired, but I'm getting it all done. Multi-tasking at it's finest!

9. What was your biggest failure? I don't think I made enough time for the hubs this year. I'm going to work on that in 2012.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I finally sought treatment for my postpartum depression.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Our new house! It's just so nice and new and maintenance-free.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Ben's. He continues to be an enduring source of unconditional love and support. And he's a damn good dad.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My own. The depths of my depression literally shocked me. Luckily it was an ill-timed outburst that finally motivated me to get the help I needed. But seeking help is also a source of celebration, so it has a happy ending.

14. Where did most of your money go? Our new house... although there's not much to fix up, we put a considerable chunk (20%) down.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Selling our old house was awesome. It happened so quickly (only a month on the market), we couldn't believe it! Buying our new house was pretty sweet too. We're so happy here.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2011? Ha, probably the CD by Will's music teacher, Miss Patricia. We listen to it all the time in the car. She's like the toddler-whisperer.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you... 

a) happier or sadder? Definitely happier, thanks in large part to my medication.

b) thinner or fatter? Definitely fatter, but I needed to put on some pounds after I lost a ton of weight during my depression. 

c) richer or poorer? Definitely richer. I'm back at work, and we don't have nearly the maintenance or upkeep costs that we had at our old house.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? I wish I would have taken more one-on-one time with Ben (see number 9 above).

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? I wish I would have watched less TV. We're really good at keeping the TV off while Will's awake, but there's no reason to be up until 11:00 PM watching stuff on Netflix.

20. How did you spend Christmas? We spent our first Christmas in our new house! We made pancakes and hot chocolate on Christmas morning, and opened presents with Will. It was the perfect Christmas morning.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011? I swear, I fall more and more in love with Will every day. He's so amazing.

22. What was your favorite TV program? Sons of Anarchy. Hands down.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Hate is a waste of time. Plenty of people and things irritate me though.

24. What was the best book you read? I didn't have much time for "fun" reading outside of grad school, but I was able to read The Hunger Games trilogy over Christmas break. So. Good.

25. What did you want and get? My new job!

26. What did you want and not get? An iPhone. Ben says hell no.

27. What was your favorite film of this year? I saw exactly one movie this year: The Help. So I guess I'll go with that. It was good, but I liked the book better.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 28 in 2011. I can't for the life of me remember what we did. Probably went out to dinner somewhere. That's the standard Zinth family birthday celebration.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? More coffee. I can never get enough coffee.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011? Sadly, I don't think I had one (see resolutions for 2012). If anything, it was probably "mom chic" (lots of cotton tops, skinny jeans and slip-on shoes).

31. What kept you sane? My Zoloft! Sad, but true.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I have a serious obsession with Ed Westwick (Chuck on Gossip Girl) and Charlie Hunnam (Jax on Sons of Anarchy).

33. What political issue stirred you the most? The whole Scott Walker collective bargaining debacle. You probably need to be from Wisconsin to know what I'm talking about, but he sucks. Luckily we're on our way to a recall!

34. Who did you miss? I found myself missing all my stay-at-home mom friends when I returned to work in September. They're such an awesome group of women, and I adore their kiddos.

35. Who was the best new person you met? So many great new colleagues and classmates.

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011. Be flexible. Life with a child makes you loosen up and let go of your expectations.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. 

'Cause baby you're a firework,

Come on, show 'em what you're worth,

Make 'em go, ah ah ah,

As you shoot across the sky, sky, sky.

Baby, you're a firework,

Come on, let your colors burst,

Make 'em go, ah ah ah,

You're gonna leave 'em falling down.

Blog Challenge Day 17: Regret

 

Today on the blog challenge, we're talking regret. I posted about regret a few months back, but I want to elaborate on an experience that was very personal and painful for me: postpartum depression.

I've shared a little about my postpartum depression before, but I've never really talked about my experience candidly. When I first revealed on this blog that I was struggling, I was shocked by the number of women that reached out to me to tell me I wasn't alone. Their stories and experiences were so comforting to me. I think it's important to put my experience out there as a way to pay that kindness forward.

This may be hard to read, but I don't think enough women talk candidly enough about postpartum depression. So I want to put my story out there. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

It's hard to even explain how dark my life was after Will was born. I loved my baby. I was ecstatic he was here and healthy. But a profound and pervasive sadness consumed me. I had intense anxiety, so much so that I was unable to sleep at night. I felt compelled to do everything myself. Not because I didn't trust Ben or others to do it right, but because I felt it would mean I was a bad mother if I asked for help (of course, I understand this is ridiculous now).

I was constantly terrified that something was going to happen to Will. I saw potential danger everywhere. What if I left him alone in the bath tub and he drowned? (Well, duh. I'd never do that.) What if someone takes him out of my shopping cart at Target? (Again, never going to happen.)  What if the stroller gets hit by a car while we're crossing the street? (Ridiculous.)

I think all new mothers see the first few months as a blur, but I was a shell of a person going through the motions. Going out in social situations was torture. I was so afraid that someone I knew would be able to tell what a mess I was. I would obsess over safe topics to talk about before heading out with friends. People told me months later that I would always say the same things over and over. But that was because I was afraid that my worst secrets would come tumbling out of my mouth if I went off topic even for a second.

Here's the hard, honest truth about my postpartum depression: I was suicidal. Awful thoughts would cross my mind. What if I just took that entire bottle of Tylenol? Would I be able to hang myself from the rafters in our basement? Thankfully, I never once thought about harming my child. He was the bright part of my days. I didn't want to abandon him, but I was convinced that he deserved so much better than me. As if my just being in his life was somehow holding him back. Of course, that seems ridiculous now, but at the time thoughts like that consumed me.

My doctor pointed out that there's a difference between having suicidal thoughts and making a suicide plan. It never got that far for me, but it was terrifying. I felt so alone. I was so ashamed. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone what I was thinking and feeling. I had this beautiful, healthy baby boy. What was wrong with me?

When Will was four months old, I finally agreed to see a counselor. She helped me get past my suicidal thoughts and gave me strategies to better cope with my intense sadness and anxiety. At this point, I was very resistant to taking medication. I was still breastfeeding, and I couldn't bear the thought of Will getting any of the drug through my breast milk (even though it's well documented as being safe for nursing mothers).

After a few months with my counselor, I was finally able to see a psychiatrist who specializes in postpartum depression (there was a three month wait to see her). At that point, it was apparent that environmental changes (diet, sleep, exercise) and therapy were not going to help my depression. Although my suicidal thoughts had subsided, I was still profoundly sad, anxious and unable to concentrate. After a lengthy conversation with the postpartum psychiatrist, we decided that I would be a good candidate for medication.

I now take a daily anti-depressent (Zoloft), which has helped me immensely. My concentration is back. I'm able to sleep at night. I'm not anxious. And I'm happy again.

As I tell Ben, anti-depressents don't make me a Stepford Wife (he wishes!). I still get angry or sad as the situation warrants. But I'm able to moderate my moods better. I don't feel like I'm about to fly off the deep end anymore. If I've forgotten to take my pills for a few days, I can totally tell. I feel more like myself on anti-depressants than off. For someone who initially fought medication hardcore, that's a really powerful statement.

Postpartum depression was a difficult journey for me, one that I'm reminded of every day when I take my medication. Not seeking help sooner is one of my biggest regrets. I wasted months of my life (and Will's) feeling sad, anxious and out of control. If you're struggling with postpartum depression or any mental health issue, please go talk to a professional about it. Even if you're not ready to take pills or start therapy, just tell someone. For me, small steps turned into big strides. And before I knew it, I was feeling better. Life is too short not to cherish every moment.

Regret

I have very few parenting regrets thus far. But there are some.

I regret not being able to breastfeed longer.

I regret not seeking treatment for my postpartum depression sooner.

And I regret circumcising my son.

After we found out we were having a boy, I left the circumcision decision up to Ben. After all, he has the boy parts, and he's the boy's father. I told Ben I wasn't crazy about circumcision, but it was ultimately his decision. And Ben wanted his son to "look like" his father. So circumcision it was.

Since Ben elected to do the circumcision, I made him go with Will to have the procedure done. Ben said it was a little gnarly, but that Will did great. He cried when they strapped him on the procedure board, but not at all when they actually made the cut. Will had no complications with his circumcision, and he healed nicely. But in retrospect, I wish we would have left our son intact.

The reasons I used to rationalize the decision seem so foolish now. It's more hygienic. He should look like his dad. Most men are circumcised. It wasn't until months later that I took time to discover the truth. Boys can be shown how to clean under their foreskin, just as girls are shown how to clean their labia. Most boys won't even notice or care that they look different from their father. The American Academy of Pediatrics does not indorse routine circumcision. And the national circumcision rate continues to drop. Only 33 percent of boys were circumcised in 2009 (though this percentage is higher when you isolate the midwest).

The truth is, as they wheeled my baby away to be circumcised, every ounce of me wanted to scream "stop!" But on day two of his life, I didn't yet know to trust my motherly intuition. So I stayed silent, and tried not to think about what was happening to him.

I never actual saw my son's uncircumcised penis. Isn't that crazy? But I didn't change his diaper until after we left the hospital, after the procedure had been done. I still remember opening up his diaper for the first time at home and being horrified at how red and swollen his little penis looked. I knew in that instant we had made the wrong decision.

But as parents, when we know better we do better. So despite Ben's objections, if we have another boy, I will not consent to having him circumcised. I don't presume to know what's best for other families, and I respect whatever course other parents choose for their sons. But it's not something I will elect to do again. I regret having to make that decision at Will's expense.

Good Things

1. Will was a champion napper today! And he was smiley and happy all day. Coincidence? I think not.
2. I finished all our Christmas shopping. Presents are wrapped and ready to go.
3. A dear friend shared that she's pregnant! Yippee!

Good Things

1. Christmas pageant at church. I actually teared up thinking about how Will will be in one some day.
2. Frosting cookies with the fam. I love holiday traditions.
3. Having 20 minutes to myself to take Stella for a walk.

Good Things

1. The doctor said Will may not need a helmet! He said even seriously flat heads can round out on their own, so we're going to re-evaluate in a few weeks (I'm cautiously optimistic).
2. Will did 45 minutes of tummy time today.
3. I took Stella for a walk (good for both of us).

Good Things

1. Big, slobbery kisses from Stella after being gone for four days.
2. A child who enjoys the car. It makes travel so much easier.
3. An unexpected day off with Ben. The simplest, most ordinary days are often the best.

Good Things

1. The Minneapolis skyway system. We shopped all day without having to head out into the blizzard!
2. Grandparents. They love to change diapers and soothe crying babies.
3. Christmas carols. It's been nice to sing a few new songs to Will.

Good Things

1. Leisurely road trip with Ben and Will (I so appreciate that my child loves the car).
2. Lounging in a hotel room in downtown Minneapolis with my mom and sister.
3. Catching up with a few of my oldest friends, and finding inspiration that Will's fussiness will too subside.

Good Things

1. I read four books to Will today.
2. I exhibited exceptional patience during a especially trying bedtime fit.
3. I had coffee with a dear friend who just "gets it" (and always shares husband stories that make me laugh).

Good Things

My therapist wants me to keep a gratitude journal, in which I identify a few things that I'm thankful for or proud of every day. And since I enjoy oversharing online, I thought I'd just keep it here. Enjoy...

1. A massage appointment, courtesy of the best husband ever.
2. Lunch (and time to vent) with a friend and fellow new-mom.
3. Enjoying a beer in the name of increased milk production.
4. Celebrating Will's four month birth day.

Stumbling

So I'm seeing a therapist. And I'm on a waiting list to see a shrink that specializes in postpartum depression. She books three months out. Apparently there are a lot of crazy moms out there.

Simply put: postpartum depression is kicking my ass. After my original post a few months ago, things got a little bit better. I was still sad some days, but I didn't feel the crushing sadness that plagued me during Will's first few weeks. I started my grad program, and even aced my first class. Will wasn't (and still isn't) sleeping great, but Ben and I worked out a sleep schedule that allowed me to get two 3-4 hour stretches a night. Not ideal, but manageable.

Then a few weeks before Thanksgiving everything changed. I couldn't concentrate. My insomnia was back. I was extremely weepy and emotional. The smallest things would send me over the edge. I had to drop my second graduate class. I started pulling away from Ben, and stumbling through my days with Will. I was barely present in my own life.

I still don't want to be on medication, but I know something has to give. My therapist and I are working on holistic and homeopathic alternatives for wellness, like diet, exercise and positive self-talk. But if I'm not seeing improvement by the time I see the psychiatrist in January, medication may be my only option.

I hate that I have this. I hate that I'm sad all the time. I hate that I can't just "snap out of it". I hate that I'm pushing my loved ones away. I hate that I'm not fully present for Will. I hate that I haven't been able to fully enjoy the first few months of his life.

But I'm proud of myself for seeking help, and I believe I can and will get better. I want to be the best I can be for my partner, my child and myself. I want to feel like "me" again.