Step away from the computer

I need to stop Googling my symptoms (or absence of symptoms).

Yesterday, while home sick, I Googled "pregnancy no morning sickness" and read all these studies about how a lack of morning sickness may suggest an increased risk of miscarriage.

Well that's just great.

I'm not Googling anything else.

Early Affects

To date, my only consistent symptom has been fatigue. I have some mild nausea around meal times, but nothing that could be considered morning sickness.

Also interesting... sweets no longer interest me. Christmas cookies actually turned my stomach earlier today. Quite odd since I've been known to eat an entire pan of brownies in one sitting.

Hello vegetables, goodbye chocolate?

Waiting Game

My doctor's office has a policy that they won't see newly-pregnant patients until they're 8 weeks along. Boo.

I have an appointment for January 4, but that seems like an eternity away.

This is especially a bummer since Ben and I were hoping to tell our families for Christmas. I don't want to tell them without medical confirmation though. Guess we're going to wait it out.

Um, Sam?!?

Holy crap. I'm pregnant.

I practically took the test with a Miller Lite in my hand. It was step one in preparation for tonight's bar crawl: make sure you're not pregnant.

Guess the bar crawl is off.

I wasn't even anxiously watching the test, since I was sure I wasn't pregnant anyway. But then Ben called my name from the bathroom: "Um, Sam?!?" And our whole world changed.

Two pregnancy tests and one panicked call to M later ("There's no such thing as a false positive, right?"), I'm adjusting to the fact that I'm growing a baby inside of me. Crazy.

I told my friends a little white lie to get me out of the bar crawl tonight, so I hope they'll forgive me. I'm just not ready to tell everyone yet.

Have one for me girls. It will be 9+ months before I touch booze again!

Ode to Birth Control

A few reasons why I miss birth control...

1) I was blissfully unaware that my body didn't want to ovulate.
2) The constant stream of hormones made my skin beautifully clear (I haven't seen blemishes like this since I was 14).

In other news, still no period. I know I'm not pregnant, but I'm going to be forced to take a pregnancy test tomorrow just to be sure. We have bridesmaid bar crawl on Saturday (a bar crawl in which you wear old bridesmaid dresses), and it seems irresponsible to drink without knowing for sure.

Just add the $5 pregnancy test to my conception tab.

Day 44

Still nothing. Boo.

Acupuncture Adventure

Turns out acupuncture isn't cheap. At $72/session (not covered by insurance), this better get me knocked up.

I had my first appointment today. It didn't hurt, and I definitely felt calmer and more relaxed after. It was actually a cool experience, but maybe not for $72/session (not covered by insurance).

The doctor started me on one session a week for 8 weeks. So every Monday at lunch, just picture me with four needles in my abdomen and one in each of my ankles.

It's a sight to behold. Don't worry, I'll take some pictures next week.

Over sharing online since 2009

It occurred to me last night that much of what I write about may be considered TMI. At this point, the blog has a whopping two readers: M and T. And as close as we are, my two currently-pregnant friends still may not care to know about my basal body temperature patterns.

Oh well. The few that know that we're trying also know how agonizing this has been for me. How frustrated I've been, and how cathartic it's been to write this all down.

That being said, I won't be offended if you just can't read about my reproductive system anymore. But if you want to keep reading, thanks for listening.

Cramps!

Never thought I'd be happy about that, but hopefully cramping and breaking out means my period is on the way. After all, every period is a fresh chance at ovulation. I'm day 37 today. Last month my cycle was 40 days.

Ben told me last night that we shouldn't expect to get pregnant until January. Why? That would put us at an October delivery, right smack-dab in the middle of his brother's two-week wedding extravaganza. That would be ironic, now wouldn't it? You can almost always expect something to happen when the timing is the worst.

At this point though, I'll take it when I can get it.

This doesn't feel normal, but thanks

I freaked out and called me doctor yesterday. She told me exactly what I expected to hear. This is normal, you're young, we need to wait it out and see if your body regulates itself.

Yeah, whatever.

It's a good thing I love my doctor. She's actually a nurse midwife, so she has a very holistic approach that I really like. If we get pregnant, I definitely want her with me along the way. But there are times (like this) that I wish she was a little more aggressive. This is normal, I'm young, I need to wait it out and see if my body regulates itself.

She did recommend acupuncture, which I think I'm going to try. It's not covered by insurance, but the treatments are done in a clinic setting. I was imagining going to some kooky woman's house with incense and cats. But treatments are at the same clinic as urgent care, so I feel like it's pretty legit.

Until then, more yoga, jogging and pre-natal vitamins. This is normal, I'm young, I need to wait it out and see if my body regulates itself.

Annoying Little Ovaries

Not a single positive ovulation test this month (we are now on day 29).

My basal body temps haven't shown any major shifts either. If anything, they've gotten more erratic as the month has progressed. I'm annoyed.

Come on ovaries... get with the plan!

Can I just ovulate, please?

Turns out it's really hard to make a baby if you don't ovulate. I'm in day 21 of my cycle, and still no positive OPK result. WTF?!?

Sometimes I think it's harder to be ovulation testing. Whereas I used to have some hope that we were getting pregnant, now I pretty much know for a fact that it's not happening. I hate that.

I need the optimism back.

Loveland, Colorado

Doesn't that just sound lovely?

Ben and I have invented an entire childless life plan in the event we can't get pregnant. Turns out Ben, Stella and I will be packing up and moving to Loveland, Colorado. We will ski. We will hike. We will buy a cute craftsman bungalow with mountain views. And we will start a new life that doesn't include children, since the midwestern version did.

Not a bad alternative I guess. But I'd still just like a baby.

Clomid = Baby

Another knocked up friend, but this one is a great success story.

T + K have been trying for 18 months (holy cow!). She was diagnosed with a thyroid disorder and PCOS. She started Clomid a few months ago, and lo and behold, a baby soon followed!

She has been a great resource for me, answering all of my questions about the infertility process. We're months away from seeking medical intervention, but she's been awesome nonetheless.

Congrats!

I jest, mostly

Ben: Amy says you just need to relax. Maybe you should have a margarita tomorrow night.

(Context: I've cut WAY back on alcohol since we started trying. That makes me sound like a lush, but it's true.)

Sam: Oh, I'm having a margarita. If our kid can't handle tequila, we've got bigger problems.

Say hello to my little friend

I got my period (finally). A mini-victory, but I'm pretty sure it was anovulation. This cycle was 40 days. Longer than it should be, but not unheard of given that I went off the pill only two months ago.

I've been charting my temps since I read Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I'm all over the board (a friend likened the pattern to five year-old's art project), but I'm trying to be diligent about it. My goal is to arm myself with data for my annual OB/GYN appointment in March. If I'm still not pregnant by then (6 months of trying), hopefully this info will help explain why and what to do next.

Knocking boots, just not knocked up

Sigh. Still not pregnant.

I know that I shouldn't expect it to happen right away. Many couples have several months of trying before they can conceive. But I'm taking it really hard. I guess I just hoped that it would be easier for us.

Just call us Be-mantha

Awwww... look how cute the hubs and I are! We'd make such a cute mini-Zinth.

Puppy love

We're getting a dog today! Stella is a one-year old Great Dane. I'm so excited to bring her home.

I'm quite certain Ben only agreed to her because of our conception troubles, but whatever. We'll give her a great home. I'm pumped!

100 days

A friend who is also struggling to get pregnant recommended Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. I can safely say, it's the most fascinating thing I've ever read.

Among the fun facts... it takes 100 days to create new sperm. 100 days! So your lifestyle choices of three months ago may be influencing your ability to conceive now.

Ironically, Ben's sperm are now hopped up on percocet, as 100 days ago he went under the knife for his ACL reconstruction. The slight (if even possible) benefit? He wasn't drinking at all then, so abstaining from alcohol may have had a positive effect on his sperm count. So beyond the heavy narcotic pain meds, he was actually leading a fairly healthy lifestyle. Go Ben.

And go babies!

Tears and Pregnancy Tests

Nope, not pregnant. The test confirmed it. And I cried. A lot.

The cosmic kick in the face was my period arrived a mere 15 minutes later, after being 5 days late. It was like the universe said, "Hey lady, you just wasted a $5 pregnancy test. Ha!"

I'm trying to be positive, but I have this honest-to-God, gut-feeling that we're infertile.

Maybe it has to do with wanting something so badly and knowing you can't do a damn thing about it. Either our bodies work together, or the don't. But the worst part? We can't even see a specialist until we've had 12 months of regular, properly-timed intercourse. That seems like an eternity to be trying and not getting pregnant.

Only 25% of couples conceive in their first month, so this is not uncommon. But I am still sad. It makes me want to scream at the 16 year-olds who get pregnant by accident.

Just five more minutes

It turns out I like sleep.

Ben's ACL recovery is going well, but it's been a bit trying at night. He doesn't sleep well, and (for the first few days) needed assistance getting in and out of bed. As a result, we were up every 3-4 hours for a bathroom break, leg adjustment, pain pill, etc.

Perhaps a preview of sleep expectations with baby? Hopefully the kid comes with a snooze button.

Some kind of church

Ben and I had the "come to Jesus" meeting about babies last week. And we have reached a decision.

Baby-makin' begins August 23. Well, to be fair it doesn't technically begin then, but that's the day I'm off the pill. I'm nervously excited. Or excitedly nervous. Which ever you prefer.

Unfortunately, a few days after we circled the date in pen on our kitchen calendar, Ben found out he's having ACL reconstruction surgery. Now granted, this doesn't technically affect those parts, but it will inhibit his mobility for awhile. For reproduction's sake, I'm praying for a speedy recovery.

We'll have kids... someday

Children always used to be a charming and far-off topic. Ben and I would talk about it in a very abstract, someday kind of way. "When we have kids" would just roll of the tongue to introduce some off-hand comment about work, travel or finances. It was never a reality, just an eventuality.

But all of a sudden, children are a very real concept to me. I've become the woman who follows a stroller through the mall trying to catch a peek at the sleeping infant inside. I actually linger in the Target baby aisle. I spend more time looking up baby names than I care to admit.

At 26, I know that I'm ready to have a baby. And that's scary.

These days, 26 year olds don't have babies. 26 year olds party with their friends and play drinking games. They nurse hangovers, not infants. Whereas 26 used to be old for just starting a family, 26 is now far too early to be tied down. 26 is for building your career, seeing the world and meeting new people. 26 is for staying out until bar close, not waking up for a feeding at 2:00 a.m.

Yet, here I am. 26 and ready to have a baby.

Scary.