One Month Old

Charlotte Louise (May 2013)

I wrote most of this on Charlotte's one month birthday, but never got around to publishing it. Although we're almost at the two month mark now, here are my thoughts on our sweet Charlotte at one month old.

Dear Charlotte,

You are the absolute sweetest baby. At one month old, you have settled into our lives so seamlessly. You are just so mello and content. You take everything in stride and rarely make a peep. Plus, you're so snuggly. If you're a little fussy, you settle instantly as soon as someone is holding or cuddling you. Your sweet personality warms my heart.

You gave us your very first smile just a few days ago. I was making faces at you and you cracked the sweetest little smile. Social smiles are still sporadic at best, but I love holding your eye contact and trying to get a reaction out of you. You're also becoming quite the talker, cooing and gurgling when you're happy.

At one month old, you practically live in the Beco carrier. I typically need two hands free to wrangle your brother, so wearing you is often the best option. This seems to suit us both, as you love to be cuddled. You are so serene when you're in the carrier... just looking around peacefully or nodding off to sleep. I love it.

You're still sleeping in bed with Mama and Daddy at night, although I know this has to end fairly soon. We consider co-sleeping to be a survival mechanism in these early weeks. Anything to get a few blissful hours of rest. We hope to help you transition to your crib in the coming weeks, but for now, I'm still enjoying snuggling up next to you, breathing in your sweet baby smell as I drift off to sleep.

You continue to be a great eater. You're nursing very well, and my breasts have all but healed from our earlier latch issues. You usually nurse 8-9 times a day, typically taking both breasts at each feeding. We also introduced a bottle when you turned four weeks old. You took the bottle without hesitation, and Daddy loves being able to feed you now. Although we try and limit you to one bottle feeding a day, it's nice for Mama to get a few extra hours of rest.

Your only serious dislike right now is bath time. You just wail when we put you in the tub. Tummy time is also low on your list, but you tolerate it. Will likes to "play" tummy time with you, laying next to you and coaxing you to turn your head toward him. You really seem to respond to his voice, and like looking at his face. Your early relationship as siblings just warms my heart.

I'm amazed by how my heart has swelled with love since you arrived. When I was pregnant, I couldn't fathom how I'd love another child as much as I love your brother. But from the moment you arrived, you have fully and completely captivated me. Often I just sit and stare at you, marveling over how sweet, snuggly and perfect you are. I am so thankful that you are ours.

Daddy and I love you so much, baby girl.

Love,

Mama

Breast feeding

For me, the most shocking thing about having a baby was how hard breast feeding was. I just assumed it would be very natural and intuitive. Put baby to breast. How hard could it be?

As it turns out, breast feeding can be exceptionally difficult. Will and I struggled with it for weeks. He would get terribly frustrated, and I was in a lot of pain. As it turns out, we couldn't seem to get a good latch. Even after multiple meetings with a lactation consultant and two La Leche League leaders, we just couldn't make it work.

Three weeks ago we stopped nursing and started bottle feeding. I felt terribly guilty about this, but then I realized it was breast milk, not breast feeding, that was important to me. I'm still a little disappointed that we can't nurse, but at least he gets my milk every time he eats.

I pump 6-7 times a day to maintain my milk supply. My goal is to give Will breast milk for at least 6 months. But pumping exclusively is a lot of work. I get a lot of plugged ducts since the pump isn't as effective as Will in draining my breasts. And yesterday I came down with a nasty case of mastitis, a breast infection. I'm on antibiotics now, but I feel terribly achy and sore all over.

Will's colic doesn't seem to be easing any, and we're starting to consider whether he's reacting to something in my breast milk. I'm off caffeine and chocolate as a test, but I'm also considering whether he could be sensitive to dairy. Some mothers report a drastic change in their child's mood when they remove certain foods from their diet. But the lactation specialist I spoke with said it's likely coincidental. Though you eliminate "trouble" foods and the baby starts to improve, it could also be that he's just grown out of it.

Mom Milestone

Baby spit-up down my back. Nice.

No one said this would be glamorous.

One Month Old

Dear Will,

It's amazing how much you've changed in just four weeks. You're growing like a weed. A mere 6 pounds 8 ounces when we left the hospital, you now weigh over 10 pounds.

You're a ferocious eater. Though I was sad we had to stop nursing, you love your bottles of breastmilk. You fold you hands on your chest and drink contently until you've drained the entire thing.

The benefit to bottle feeding is that Daddy can now help overnight. We take turns getting up, feeding you and rocking you back to sleep. Though I'm tired, I miss you when I haven't seen you for 4 or 5 hours.

You've grown out of all your tiny newborn clothes. Many of the outfits you only wore once. When Daddy and I first dressed you in the hospital to bring you home, those clothes looked so big on you. Now you easily fill out your 0-3 month stuff. When I look at the clothes for 6, 9 and 12 months, I have trouble imagining you getting that big. But you'll be there before we know it.

You have a bit of colic, which makes our evenings a little stressful. You'll grow out of it in the coming weeks, but until then we do our best to cuddle and comfort you. It can be frustrating, but more than anything I feel terrible that you're so uncomfortable.

You still wake every 2-3 hours overnight, but you settle down really well after you've eaten. Our nighttime ritual is a bottle, a bath, a book, and a lullabye. We sing, bounce and rock until you fall back to sleep. I love snuggling with you nestled between my shoulder and my neck.

At one month old, you want to be held all the time. I constantly have you in your Beco carrier or a cloth sling. I'm getting really good at doing things one handed. From cooking to laundry to typing, I've learned how to cuddle you and still cross items off my to-do list.

Our days together just fly by. You love to be one the go. We take daily trips in the stroller or the car. Target, the grocery store and the library are among our favorite destinations. You enjoy the noise and the movement, and easily snooze through all of our errands.

You make the funniest noises and faces. My favorite is your Elvis lip after you've finished eating. We started calling you "Squeaker" several weeks ago because you're always making little pops, squeaks, grunts and sighs. The other day you were moaning like a creeky door while you were sleeping. Whoever coined the term "sleeping like a baby" certainly never met a little boy like you.

Though some days are tiring, I have to remind myself that you will never be this little ever again. I never want to forget how tiny your hands are, or how small and light you are in my arms. Sometimes I just sit and marvel at how perfect you are. I'm so proud to be your mother.

Love,

Mama

Worth a thousand words...

Since I don't have any time to blog, photos will just have to do.

The day I found my thumb!

Mom and I are both tired.

My big sister Stella is a little jealous.

My first bottle.

Bright eyed.

Tummy time.

What no one talks about

Confession: We've had a really rough couple of weeks. I've had a pretty severe case of the baby blues. It got so bad, that Ben had to take time off work on Tuesday to take me to the doctor.

Though I love my son, I haven't felt like myself since he was born. It's more than being tired or overhwhelmed. I can't sleep. I'm anxious. I hardly eat. There have been times when I've felt like a terrible mother, and that I shouldn't have had a baby. I've been profoundly sad, and even had some self-destructive thoughts.

I was so scared to admit this all to the doctor. But it felt better to get everything off my chest. He wasn't shocked or appalled. He didn't call child services. He listened and sympathized. He helped Ben and I develop an action plan on how to start feeling better.

The first step is to get my sleep back on track. Though every new mom is sleep deprived, we're working on a schedule that will help me get 3-4 hours of uninterupted sleep a night. It's OK (and expected) to be tired, but I shouldn't feel unhinged or unstable.

We started bottle feeding breast milk to help ease the nighttime burden. I'm fortunate that I have an exceptional support system in my husband and family. I'm learning to accept their help with a glad heart (whereas before I felt it was my responsibility to just do it all).

My doctor agreed that working on my sleep might be enough to lift me out of my depression. But if it's not, I may have to consider taking anti-depressants. And that's OK. Postpartum depression is normal and nothing to ashamed of.

Before yesterday, I felt like the only person who has ever felt this way. I was shocked by the number of women who have come forward with their own stories of depression, detachment and anxiety after birth. Though it felt better to hear other women had been though it too, it was also very frustrating to know more people can't talk openly about it.

It's my pledge to be very candid about how I'm feeling. I don't want anyone in my life to feel as alone as I did. Baby blues happen to many women, but when that sadness starts to affect how you relate to your family, your baby or yourself, it's time to seek help.

With help from Ben and my mom, I stayed in bed for 11 hours last night. I didn't sleep that entire time, but I rested. And today, I feel more like myself. I still have some anxiety that I'm working on, but things aren't so bleak anymore. I know there will still be hard days. I will be tired and I will be overwhelmed at times. But things don't feel as desperate. And I'm starting to see glimmers of myself again.

Blog? What blog?

In case you haven't noticed, having a newborn and maintaining a blog don't exactly go hand in hand. Like most new moms, I'm having trouble doing anything other than sleep, eat, mindlessly watch TV or clean the house when Will takes a nap.

It may be the understatement of the century, but being a new mom is exausting. I have completely forgotten what 8 hours of sleep feels like. Will wakes and eats about every 2-3 hours. Most of the time I feel like a 24 hour buffet.

Waking in the middle of the night to feed, change and soothe Will isn't the hard part. When he needs me, I'm on. It's when he starts to drift off to sleep that I realize how tired I am. I carefully place him in his bassinet and give a silent prayer that maybe, just maybe, this will be the moment when he decides he can sleep for 4 hours straight. Yeah, right. I think that one might be awhile.

The truth is that being a mom is tiring, and at times overwhelming. But it's also amazing. So you take the good with the bad. The snuggles with the sleepless nights. The chubby cheeks with the dirty diapers. And you find strength in place you didn't even know existed inside you.

But if he's offering, I'd take a few more hours of sleep a night.

One Week Old

Dear Will,

Today you are one week old. The last seven days have been a combination of joy, exaustion, excitement and fear. The first day we brought you home I was overcome by the sheer responsibility of keeping you alive. Every noise you made in your bassinet would wake me immediately. Is he OK? Is he still breathing? Though I'm still easily roused by your squeaks and cries, I'm starting to learn when you actually need something and when you're just fussing a little.

You smell absolutely amazing. I can't even describe it. I love to kiss your sweet little head and stroke your downy soft hair.

You love to be swaddled. It calms you instantly. But we've started calling you Houdini because you always seem to wriggle your arms out. You'll pull them triumphantly above your head, as if you're saying "ta-da!"

You only sleep for 2 or 3 hours at a time, so Mama is really tired. I'm convinced you'd sleep longer if you weren't such a heavy wetter. You've peed through more diapers, onesies, swaddling blankets and sheets than we can count.

Sometimes when you get really upset, you stop mid-cry and take three short little breaths. "Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh." I hate to hear you cry, but it's such a sweet little sound.

Daddy is a master diaper changer. He loves to snuggle with you on the couch. In fact, you watched your first Packer pre-season game together last night.

You're a really good little eater. Breastfeeding has been harder than I anticipated, but we're both getting the hang of it. Even though I'm exausted, I love getting up with you to nurse. You look up at me with your beautiful eyes and grab my finger with your tiny little hand.

Nana stayed with us for most of your first week, which was such a huge help. She started singing you the Mister Ed theme song when you got upset. You love it. I had to look up the lyrics online to remember the entire thing, but we bounce and sing "a horse is a horse of course of course" whenever you get upset.

You've changed so much in seven days. I have to remind myself that each stage will be gone before we know it. So even though I'm tired, I'm cherishing every moment.

I love you, my sweet little William.

Mama