Tuesday, December 7, 2010


So I'm seeing a therapist. And I'm on a waiting list to see a shrink that specializes in postpartum depression. She books three months out. Apparently there are a lot of crazy moms out there.

Simply put: postpartum depression is kicking my ass. After my original post a few months ago, things got a little bit better. I was still sad some days, but I didn't feel the crushing sadness that plagued me during Will's first few weeks. I started my grad program, and even aced my first class. Will wasn't (and still isn't) sleeping great, but Ben and I worked out a sleep schedule that allowed me to get two 3-4 hour stretches a night. Not ideal, but manageable.

Then a few weeks before Thanksgiving everything changed. I couldn't concentrate. My insomnia was back. I was extremely weepy and emotional. The smallest things would send me over the edge. I had to drop my second graduate class. I started pulling away from Ben, and stumbling through my days with Will. I was barely present in my own life.

I still don't want to be on medication, but I know something has to give. My therapist and I are working on holistic and homeopathic alternatives for wellness, like diet, exercise and positive self-talk. But if I'm not seeing improvement by the time I see the psychiatrist in January, medication may be my only option.

I hate that I have this. I hate that I'm sad all the time. I hate that I can't just "snap out of it". I hate that I'm pushing my loved ones away. I hate that I'm not fully present for Will. I hate that I haven't been able to fully enjoy the first few months of his life.

But I'm proud of myself for seeking help, and I believe I can and will get better. I want to be the best I can be for my partner, my child and myself. I want to feel like "me" again.

1 comment:

  1. You will be yourself again, and when that happens, you'll be an even better version of yourself for the experience. It is something to look forward to!

    Remember Francie's wise words: if life hands you lemons - stick them in your bra. :)


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