Stumbling

So I'm seeing a therapist. And I'm on a waiting list to see a shrink that specializes in postpartum depression. She books three months out. Apparently there are a lot of crazy moms out there.

Simply put: postpartum depression is kicking my ass. After my original post a few months ago, things got a little bit better. I was still sad some days, but I didn't feel the crushing sadness that plagued me during Will's first few weeks. I started my grad program, and even aced my first class. Will wasn't (and still isn't) sleeping great, but Ben and I worked out a sleep schedule that allowed me to get two 3-4 hour stretches a night. Not ideal, but manageable.

Then a few weeks before Thanksgiving everything changed. I couldn't concentrate. My insomnia was back. I was extremely weepy and emotional. The smallest things would send me over the edge. I had to drop my second graduate class. I started pulling away from Ben, and stumbling through my days with Will. I was barely present in my own life.

I still don't want to be on medication, but I know something has to give. My therapist and I are working on holistic and homeopathic alternatives for wellness, like diet, exercise and positive self-talk. But if I'm not seeing improvement by the time I see the psychiatrist in January, medication may be my only option.

I hate that I have this. I hate that I'm sad all the time. I hate that I can't just "snap out of it". I hate that I'm pushing my loved ones away. I hate that I'm not fully present for Will. I hate that I haven't been able to fully enjoy the first few months of his life.

But I'm proud of myself for seeking help, and I believe I can and will get better. I want to be the best I can be for my partner, my child and myself. I want to feel like "me" again.